Once again, I broke the 80-pound mark. I am at 241.6 pounds and released 81.4 pounds! I am also 6.6 pounds to my next goal of 235 pounds. This has been a difficult 26 pounds. So much has happened since September when I started on this part of my journey.
I try very hard not to allow the scale to affect my mood and motivation. It shouldn’t hold as much importance to me as it does. But it does. I loathe when trainers and professionals tell you the scale doesn’t matter. This statement comes from people who haven’t faced the shame, frustration, and isolation that comes with being fat—the scale matters.
Being fat is a great way to protect yourself from people. If you are lucky, you are unseen by other people. People overlook you, look past you. If you aren’t lucky, you become a subject of derision. There is an attitude that you should feel lucky for whatever society throws your way because it is obvious that you are damaged. You are ridiculed–called names. You are shamed. People judge what you eat, what you wear, and how much space you take. What hurts is you stop seeing yourself too. Or you see yourself as a subject of derision. You retreat into yourself. Build an emotional wall. Isolate. Protect yourself.
As you lose weight, you become seen by others, and that is scary. It makes you vulnerable. And when you have spent so much time building walls, vulnerable is terrifying and unfamiliar. What is more frightening is that you start seeing yourself. And to be honest, I not sure I know how to do that, but I am trying to figure that out.