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11.21.2020 Check-in & Facing My First Big Challenge

11.21.2020
248.6 Pounds

I am facing my biggest challenge in improving my health. And it shows on the scale that I am not meeting this challenge well. But, I am determined to find a way to handle my life, mental point of view, and eating. So, here it is. I found 5.6 pounds this week and am at 248.4 pounds. Brunhilda, my saboteur, has been wreaking havoc in my life, health, and finances.

Last week, my mother fell and was in ICU for several days. She is mostly okay. She is in a neck brace for the next three months. However, she takes care of my father, who has mid-stage Parkinson’s and other health issues. She can’t do all she used to do. And now, my parents need help. They need daily help, which means I am with my parents every day. And I am eating with my parents every day. All of my bad habits are coming back. I am stress eating. I am a wee bit ashamed of the amount of ice cream I have consumed.

I am also flaring. My hips, knees, and ankles are hurting me. I have psoriasis breaking out on my elbows and knees. So, with the pain and the time crunch, I am finding it difficult to reach my activity goals.

I am also spending way too much money. I need to stop looking at furniture, curtains, and clothes. I am fine with what I have. I need to review my priorities, get my head back on straight, and get right with my money.

This being said, I am not beating myself up over this. I am trying to write myself back to where I need to be mentally and emotionally to keep my healthy habits and not revert to old comfortable ways. I keep reminding myself that comfortable isn’t healthy. So, being in this perfect storm, AND holidays around the corner, I am thrilled I am still under 250 pounds.

This journey isn’t a straight road. It is an up, down, and topsy-turvy road. On IG and FB, I follow several “fitness” people. I have found, they don’t get the fat mindset. They think someone shouldn’t be “ruled” by the scale or having to log and monitor food for your whole life. The reality is, I probably will. This struggle doesn’t end when I get down to 150 pounds. This will be a forever road. It will be different, but these battles will forever be waged.

What I know is that I have the tools, knowledge, and skills to do this. I need to find and keep my will. I will log my food. I will walk as I can. So, I am going to attempt to write more here. I am also going to be more active on the FB groups that support me. They understand where I have been, my struggles, and the frustrations.

I hope everyone has a great day today. I have lots of chores to keep me busy. I am creating a curriculum vitae, visiting my budget. But now, I am heading over to my parents’ and dropping off the groceries I purchased this morning for them.

In this cruel, crazy, beautiful world, please remember to be kind–especially to yourself.

LLC

6 thoughts on “11.21.2020 Check-in & Facing My First Big Challenge

  1. Taking care of aging parents is so hard! Many hugs for you, for the stress you must be going through. 🤗
    Hopefully a good chunk of the weight you found is water weight. 💜
    You are so strong and resilient. 💪 You are being tested by fire 🔥 and will come out stronger. You got this! ♥️

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  2. I love how aware you are of everything you are going through and having grace and being kind to yourself, it takes a lot of self-awareness and most people don’t have that. It’s funny what you said about trainers, and I agree, a lot of trainers had always been athletic and most of them have a hard time relating and understanding realities different from their own. You know I went to school for exercise science, and although I always played sports and has been an athlete in the past, like you, I find myself having to monitor my weight closely, because when I don’t my extra pounds creep in, I’ve put 20 pounds since the beginning of the pandemic. Lost 10 than put it back again… the anxiety I’ve been dealing with has been no joke and has me thrown for a loop, comfort eating as well. Reading your posts reminds me to be kind to myself, because I tend to compare me to the time I used to train 4 to 5 hours a day, now I’m happy when I can get in 3 hours a week. I just wanted you to know you’re impacting me with your journey. Proud of you my friend. =)

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    1. I am lucky that I have friends like you, Michelle, and AMP who are trainers but get it and are kind and supportive. Your comment is a reminder that even people who are athletic and healthy have issues too. Social media just shows the snippets we want people to see. Thank you for your forever and unwavering support. I am so glad you are in my world.

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  3. I really like your gift with language. You are VERY careful with your use of words. You “release” and “find” pounds rather than gain and lose, which are both very loaded words. You are focusing on your WILL, which is really there and strong. It’s just kind of tired with all of the physical and emotional crap piled on. I agree that most “fitness” people don’t get fat. Most doctors don’t, either. Sometimes when things are overwhelming, I just hang on to a commitment to ONE thing. I can do one. I may not be able to do more. What is one thing that you can commit to doing in the next week? To quote the great Yoda, “Do or do not. There is no Try.” You can do this. You’ve been doing it for months. Hang on and just do ONE thing. Then the next. String them together like beads and soon you’ll have a gorgeous necklace.

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