I was talking to a friend this weekend. He remarked on my weight loss and also how happier I seem. I smiled and said that for the first time in about a decade, I feel like me. I do. I feel like Lisa. But I also kinda don’t know who I am as well. It is a very odd place to be right now.
For the past two years, I have been doing a lot of emotional and self-awareness work. It has actually helped me to actualize my weight loss. I genuinely love who I am. I believe I am a good person who tries to do good in the world. My real-world job is working with domestic violence shelters and rape crisis centers. I also try to collaborate to create art in the world. I work with an amazing group of people to create theatre here. These people bring out the best in me.
However, the physical me and who I feel I am never connected well. Then I became ill. Okay, I have been ill since I was 21, but it came to the forefront when I was hospitalized with fluid in my lung. Short story, I was hospitalized for 14 days, had four chest tubes inserted, and almost died. Then I had surgery and died on the table. I woke up intubated and in the ICU.
This kind of trauma has monumental effects on a person. I admit, for a while, I lost myself. It took coming back home for me to start to find me again. Then the pain and exhaustion started. My life was pretty much non-existence. I am lucky that my job was understanding, but I was gone. I was miserable and unhappy.
A couple of years ago, I started on an anti-depressant. I started to see parts of me, peeking out of the fog. But I wasn’t me. At one point, I started to lose weight. I started a siege on my body. It didn’t last. I started again, and during this process, I started seeing more and more me. Then I started the biologic and TADA; I feel more like me than I have in years.
But who am I know? I started losing myself about 20 years ago. So much has changed. Who is this 52-year-old woman? What does she want at this point in her life? I own my home. I ruled by my feline overlord. I have great friends, and my relationships with my family are in a great place. I say I don’t want a relationship, but part of me does. But it would have to be with the right person, and not just anyone.
What do I want? What do I really like to do? I really don’t know anymore. I see myself as an active fit person. But I am I? I don’t know. I purged my closet again. So far, I have given away almost 20 bags of clothes. Clothing is such an expression of identity. I don’t know what I wear. I wore giant hippy clothes because it covered everything. But is that me? I think so, but I don’t know.
I have a lot of exploration to do. And really, I am excited to find out who I am. Maybe I will surprise myself.
Well, what I do know, is that I am tired. I am going to rest with Hazel and go to bed early.
Remember to be kind…especially to yourself.