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Finding me…

I was talking to a friend this weekend. He remarked on my weight loss and also how happier I seem. I smiled and said that for the first time in about a decade, I feel like me. I do. I feel like Lisa. But I also kinda don’t know who I am as well. It is a very odd place to be right now.

For the past two years, I have been doing a lot of emotional and self-awareness work. It has actually helped me to actualize my weight loss. I genuinely love who I am. I believe I am a good person who tries to do good in the world. My real-world job is working with domestic violence shelters and rape crisis centers. I also try to collaborate to create art in the world. I work with an amazing group of people to create theatre here. These people bring out the best in me.

However, the physical me and who I feel I am never connected well. Then I became ill. Okay, I have been ill since I was 21, but it came to the forefront when I was hospitalized with fluid in my lung. Short story, I was hospitalized for 14 days, had four chest tubes inserted, and almost died. Then I had surgery and died on the table. I woke up intubated and in the ICU.

This kind of trauma has monumental effects on a person. I admit, for a while, I lost myself. It took coming back home for me to start to find me again. Then the pain and exhaustion started. My life was pretty much non-existence. I am lucky that my job was understanding, but I was gone. I was miserable and unhappy.

A couple of years ago, I started on an anti-depressant. I started to see parts of me, peeking out of the fog. But I wasn’t me. At one point, I started to lose weight. I started a siege on my body. It didn’t last. I started again, and during this process, I started seeing more and more me. Then I started the biologic and TADA; I feel more like me than I have in years.

But who am I know? I started losing myself about 20 years ago. So much has changed. Who is this 52-year-old woman? What does she want at this point in her life? I own my home. I ruled by my feline overlord. I have great friends, and my relationships with my family are in a great place. I say I don’t want a relationship, but part of me does. But it would have to be with the right person, and not just anyone.

What do I want? What do I really like to do? I really don’t know anymore. I see myself as an active fit person. But I am I? I don’t know. I purged my closet again. So far, I have given away almost 20 bags of clothes. Clothing is such an expression of identity. I don’t know what I wear. I wore giant hippy clothes because it covered everything. But is that me? I think so, but I don’t know.

I have a lot of exploration to do. And really, I am excited to find out who I am. Maybe I will surprise myself.

Well, what I do know, is that I am tired. I am going to rest with Hazel and go to bed early.

Remember to be kind…especially to yourself.

4 thoughts on “Finding me…

  1. Lots of seriously important stuff here. I can tell that this is work you’ve been doing for quite a while because you can so clearly articulate what’s known and still uncertain. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

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  2. I am on Crones of Anarchy and just saw your post announcing you had lost 75 pounds. Congratulations! What caught my eye was you have Psoriatic Arthritis. I do too. I’m 56, I’ll be 57 in mid-November. I’ve lost 52 pounds. I need to lose another 40. I’m also a smoker, pre-diabetic, have fibromyalgia, yadda, yadda, yadda. My rheumatologist wants to take me off Enbrel and put me on Tremfya. I’d love to know more about your journey and any tips you might want to impart. Congratulations again on your glorious metamorphosis! 🦋

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