It is a Pity Party…you are welcome to join me

I am breathing. I am trying to hold my body in grace and not succumb to a pity party. Today, I hurt, and I am also swollen and exhausted. I’ve known that there was something more wrong with me that what the doctors were diagnosing because no one could explain the swelling.


I had a doctor send my labs to a rheumatologist once. The office declined to see me. I guess my labs weren’t definitive enough. Several years later, here I am, swollen, exhausted, rashy, and itchy. I keep thinking that if everything weren’t so siloed, maybe just maybe, this could have been treated sooner. Then I remember, it wouldn’t matter. Psoriatic arthritis is a chronic condition, and I will be managing this too.

Then in July, I broke out with this spot. Just one spot.

Now it is everywhere. It is easy to say, it doesn’t bother me. I will still wear what I want. It is my body. This is a disease. There isn’t anything I can do about it. But, days like today when I feel like crap, it is harder to defiantly say that.

I am starting a new treatment in two weeks. I am hopeful, and that scares me. I don’t want my hopes dashed, and be right back where I am or worse. Tonight, I can honestly say, I just want to cry. I hurt. I hurt so much I couldn’t walk today. I hurt so much I just want to cry.

This is one of the rare occasions that I wish I had a part-time fusser. Someone to listen, fuss over me, pamper me, and say, “It will be okay.” Hey, the job is open. The pay is crap, but you get to deal with me. Wait that isn’t much of a selling point, is it?

I am going to lay back down. Rest. Hope for a better tomorrow. Maybe I can look at myself and say. “I love you.” And perhaps when I say, “Love. Patience and Consistency,” the words won’t ring as hollow as they do today.

4 thoughts on “It is a Pity Party…you are welcome to join me

  1. Could I fuss over you long-distance? Coz I can’t get to LV to do it in person. I know you are in pain and since you push through so much with that big smile and focus, I know it’s bad now. And i’m so very sorry because, hey, I want you to be happy and healing and beating my butt in the weight loss department. But, and here’s a good part, you know what’s going on with your body now and there is a treatment you can start that is targeted to help. Of course you’re hopeful. Stay that way. And give yourself a day of rest when you need it without regret or guilt. Listen to your body. You’re learning what it’s telling you, so pay attention to it and be KIND to yourself! You deserve to treat yourself the way you’d treat me 🙂


    1. You are so wonderful, Anne. Thank you. I have not felt this bad in a long time. I am trying to be kind, and I am listening to my body. I am rustling up all of my “I feel like crap” resources.

      And thank you for fussing. These are the times I miss having a partner–luckily these times are few and far between.


  2. It’s part of the journey to be discouraged every once and again. IT’LL BE OK!! I’m not there for you in person, but you have an army of friends, there for you online. Stay strong, you are a fighter!!


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