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Perfect with Imperfection

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Carl Rogers, psychologist/humanist.

I was reading in one of my FB groups, and someone wrote something about self-love being great and all, but what if you can never love yourself. Wow…this statement shook me to the core. I was in this place once.

I was once diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). I am not sure that I live in that diagnosis any longer; however, do not think I am cured. Not even close.

I still manage some pretty severe depression, anxiety, and inferiority issues. I am no longer engaging in high-risk or harmful behaviors. In this space and time, I am actually in a healthier place–mind, body, and spirit.

I spent most of my life, making my external fit my internal image of myself. I never felt smart enough, kind enough, caring enough…well, I never felt enough of anything positive. Still, I was really enough of everything negative. I felt unworthy of positive things in my life. I seek reassurance that my gifts and talents make me unique–that somehow, I am special.

It is just now, at 52, am I learning that I am enough. Just as I am. Don’t ask how I got to this place, I am not sure myself. I know some of it is medication–better living through modern pharma. And part of it is taking the time to care for me–eating well, caring for my body, and saying “I love you” to myself daily.

I still battle crippling anxiety, depression, and self-worth issues. But, I have coping skills. When the intrusive thoughts come into my mind, I stop them by saying, “Okay, this is not helpful. I am the opposite of whatever nasty thing my inner voice decided to spew at me.”

I have stopped comparing myself to others. I don’t need to be more successful, prosperous, beautiful, or smarter than I am. I am enough for me, and I am the only person I need to please.

I am far from perfect. However, I don’t need to be. I am working on embracing my imperfections. I am improving what can out of love for myself. When I started seeing my flaws as just part of me, I began to find ways to love all of me and making lasting changes.

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