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The Ultimate Fat Girl Swimsuit…NOT!

No the ultimate fat girl swimsuit

I thought I found the ultimate fat girl swimsuit. It covers everything. It is a two-piece. The top is a tank, as you can see, and the bottoms are shorts that go to the knee. I bought this three years ago when I was having trouble walking. I kept saying I was going to do water walking. And never did.

Last night, I got the courage to put it on and head for the pool. It was 8:30 pm and getting dark. I figured I wouldn’t see anyone walking half a block to the community pool. Well, half the freaking complex was out and about. So, I was stopped four times on my way. Seriously?! Talk about anxiety building! I almost turned home. But, I persevered. I walked to the pool in my swimsuit, and no one screamed in horror.

I made it to the pool, and I find that this isn’t the ultimate fat girl swimsuit. As I walk into the water, it starts to fill the suit. I swell up like the Staypuff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

I also learned that I am very buoyant! My boobs floated up so high I almost suffocated myself. I seriously have built-in flotation devices! My boobs kept me so buoyant that my feet could never touch the ground. And, apparently, I can’t swim anymore! I am kicking my feet and splashing around with my arms going no-where. I used to be a lifeguard. Okay, 30+ years ago, but still.

I walked home with tears running down my face…because I was laughing so hard. This is just another one of my misadventures, and my life is full of them.

I decided I will buy a new suit next year, and try again. Until then, I am going to stick to walking…on land. Getting passed by little old ladies is less humiliating than me in a pool.

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