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Meet Brunhilda, Saboteur

credit: ArtStation

Brunhilda is my inner saboteur. Figured I need to name her and call her sneaky self out. She has been creeping around recently and derailing my hard work to get healthier. She is the one that says you don’t need to get out of your PJs. You are staying home all day. She is the comfort for when I am tired, Postmates is a viable option. And since you are on Postmates, go ahead and splurge you have been doing so well, a burger and fries are fine. She says, go ahead and stop at Dairy Queen for a Frosted Animal Cookie Blizzard. Just get a small. It is better than a large one! Those are some of her direct action techniques.

I am taking on her direct action with some of my own. Today, I walked. I showered. I put on clothes. Okay, very comfortable clothes, but still not PJs. I ate my breakfast of toast with goat cheese and a bit of homemade, low-sugar, strawberry jam.

But she has more subversive techniques as well. This morning, I walked. I was down for two days again because my right hip was out. I woke up this morning feeling pretty alright, so I dressed, laced up, slathered on the sunscreen, and hit the Pittman Wash Trail even though it was already 84 degrees.

I made it to the first street. Now, I know this is as far as I should go since my hip was having issues. But, Brunhilda says, “Oh, you are doing good. Go ahead and walk to the next street.” I listened to her, and I crossed the street. I got about a third of the way, and…my hip starts hurting. Brunhilda says, “Push on through. You can do it.” To my credit, I turned around and walked home.

So, why is pushing through a bad thing? This journey is about getting healthy and not the scale. Healthy is eating well and moving, not competing, not pushing. It is getting the head and body aligned. It is about feeling better.

There was a time when Brunhilda was in charge. She convinced me that eating a strict diet was the best. It was easy and quick. She assured me that walking extreme distances in the Las Vegas summer was smart. By extreme, I mean 11 miles. It involves planning to walk a half a marathon while weighing 275 pounds.

The result? I lost 55 pounds. My body broke down. I developed plantar fasciitis in both feet, and I could barely walk. My lower back seized when I stood, and my left hip hurt continuously. I couldn’t handle the change. I had no capacity or skills to navigate from being active to being in constant pain (again) and unable to walk. I gained 65 pounds.

Over five years, I tried to restart my weight loss efforts. Brunhilda always found a way to keep sabotaging my efforts. So, now I am working hard to call Brunhilda out and own it when I give in. I am also countering her sneaky and not so sneaky moves.

I am doing so by re-framing my efforts. I am not on a weight loss journey. It doesn’t matter when I get down to 153 pounds (which gets me to the normal BMI range). I am getting healthy. The weight loss is a side effect and a barometer of health. Now, to review the website and voice this re-frame.

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