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Getting Healthy vs. Losing Weight

I have spent my whole life trying to lose weight. I remember being on a diet when I was about eight or ten. Starting about ten years ago, I started saying I was going to lose weight, but I was going to get healthy. The weight loss should be a side effect of eating well and exercising.

While I am eating healthy and moving, I am obsessively focused on my weight. I am somewhat disappointed in myself. I know this is a long journey. I have 130 pounds left to lose to get to a healthy BMI. (Yes, I know BMI is kinda BS, but it is a reasonable metric.) But I am now so focused on weight loss. Keep thinking what life would be like when I get there? When I do, will I be lovable? Likable? Happy? Vulnerable?

Why can’t I be content with getting healthier? Why does how I look mean so much as I am losing weight? It didn’t mean that much when I wasn’t losing weight.

I think I am starting to wander in my thoughts. I still don’t feel well from yesterday, and I am exhausted. I ate some today. But I think I need to sleep.

Tomorrow is picture day. So, stay tuned for that…

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